January 2025

Grief is a Journey: Two Paths Taken

By Edward A. Rinderle
Posted: 10/29/2024

Cowritten with Sally Asmundson.

On July 30 of last year, I lost my beloved wife Jean.  Her sudden loss was a shock, and so were the masses of things to do that followed: dealing with the coroner's office, with Jean's remains, with endless paperwork that needed revision. Fortunately, love and support poured in to me from all directions, including Pasadena Village.  And still, I was overwhelmed.  I didn't realize it at the time, but one thing I needed desperately was to deal with my grieving.

By October, the pressure seemed to lessen a bit, so I decided to look for a grief group.  Using Google, I found what seemed to be a perfect fit: GriefShare. This grief group meets near me and at a convenient time, so I signed up right away.

Each session consists of three parts: checking in, watching a 30-minute video, and discussing the video in small groups. No one is required to share in the discussions, and anything shared is strictly confidential.  An optional Participant Guide is available for a modest $20 cost.

In the words of Sam Hodges, President of GriefShare: “You'll find it helpful to be around people who really 'get' what you're going through . . . because they're dealing with it, too.”  Sam goes on to say “Your grief, and the relationship you had with your loved one, is unique.  So we encourage you to grieve at your own pace and in your own time.” These two concepts, that you will be with people who 'get' what you're going through while acknowledging that your grieving process is unique, are the keys to bonding that can, and usually does, take place. 

There was only one other participant when I began this journey, but after a holiday break in December, we experienced a boom when we reconvened in January as our weekly attendance neared twenty.  During this time, I found myself leading the loss-of-spouse small group.  So, I ended up playing two roles: as a participant, sharing my own grief journey, and as a facilitator, monitoring the group dynamics.

The facilitator role turned out to be easier than I thought.  The group itself took care of most of the group dynamics, as they listened attentively with compassion, love, and caring, even as they shared their own stories.  

The Spring session ended in June.  We reconvened for the fall session in September.  Most of the participants from the Spring had moved on, but among the newcomers, I soon saw the same group dynamics I had witnessed before – the compassion and love amid the sharing.  It was beautiful, even miraculous, to see. 

GriefShare is helping me in two ways.  First, through its outpouring of love, I am learning how to manage my own grief.  Second, by giving me a leadership role, it provides an outlet for me to give back.  I am so moved by GriefShare that I plan to stay with it for as long as I possibly can.

The Village has played a vital role as I deal with my grief.  Villagers, too, have offered generously of their caring and love.  But with GriefShare, I have found a calling beyond the Village.  GriefShare has saved my life, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am growing into a better person.

Sally's Story

I didn’t attend a formal grief group after my husband Mike died in January 2023 but I did attend two different dementia support groups for about five years before his passing.  I also read everything I could find about both dementia and grief starting with the writings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. By the time Mike died I felt that I had experienced grief for many years and my overwhelming feeling was relief that both his pain and mine were ending. I did attend the dementia support groups occasionally for about 6 months after Mike’s death and had a celebration of life for him about four months later.

The groups were most helpful in showing me that I was not alone. While every situation was different and every person dealt with it differently, we all had similar emotions and needs. Also, I felt that I was in a small way able to help others with their grief.

 

I had amazing support from family and friends who listened to me and called or emailed regularly. I found the Alzheimer’s Association paper called “Dementia Grief” extremely helpful and, I read it multiple times over a period of at least three years. I think that it was also critical that I never stopped living my life and doing things that I knew kept me physically and mentally healthy.

 

As you can see, there is more than one way to face grief, but facing it is surely a healthy way forward. The most important step you can take is to seek the help you need . . . don’t give up.